Wow.

This blog is a huge reflection of my thoughts... ALL OVER THE PLACE!! Update on 13.1... I let it fizzle out... I was not training properly, I was not in the right state of mind for such an accomplishment. I decided to do a half marathon because a wonderful friend said "hey let's do this".. And when her motivation fizzled, so did mine.. An accomplishment of that dedication takes more than a decision on a whim. With that said I will be on the lookout for a half marathon around October-December of next year... My mind set is already better.
I suppose I could go walk the st. Jude half dec 1st, but I don't want to do that.. I want to run an entire half, and I will, just not this year.

Plans change. Life happens. Go with the flow.

13.1 DAY 2!

13.1

Training Day 2..

Training Day 1. life happened. 5:30 am fitness class. Cleaned teeth all day. Picked up my nieces. Attended a Jr. High football game.  Got home around 9:30. I did not run this day. BUT huge, huge accomplishment none the less, Alyvia didn’t scream at me the whole time I kept her!!! this makes me happy! She smiled most of the time! And Karlee minded like the big girl she is becoming! So Monday was wonderful. 

Training Day 2. Worked today. 20 minutes of weights. 12 minute warm up on the bicycle. 3 mile run/walk (4/2). And I feel like I could puke. 

I think a lot when I run. Maybe a little too much. Today toward the end of my run, all I could think was, I’m about to die after 3 miles, HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO RUN 13.1 miles in 12 weeks? The response, I just will. Period. It will definitely be a run/walk combination, I might crawl across the finish line.... but I will finish! That’s the goal!  Finish 13.1 miles! Clock 13 miles in your car next time you go somewhere. When you hit 13 miles say a little prayer for me!

A little funny from today’s run… I made a little loop through the cemetery here in town thinking how peaceful cemeteries were… when my run keeper app popped up and told me my time/distance, I almost jumped out of my skin. I guess I thought the boogie man in the cemetery had got me! Lol. It was pretty funny. You had to see it to get the full effect. 

                                                                    PRE-HALF!

                                                     13.1 TRAINING DAY #2!!!!!!!!!!!!

1-25-12 thoughts

1-25-12

Having a glass of orange juice, thinking about yesterday…..

It was a rather traumatic day... I like to ride around a lot, especially on beautiful, sunny days. Yesterday I decided to ride out to the cemetery where daddy is buried. No particular reason, just haven’t been out there lately. I have a small concrete bench beside his grave where I go to sit, think, pray, talk to dad or chat with whatever stray dog wanders up…. Before yesterday I had not been out there in a while!… I kind of wish I hadn’t gone. He’s buried in the Holcomb Family Cemetery in the Furrs community, a very small cemetery, mostly people from the Holcomb family of course, but they allow other people from the community to be laid to rest there also.  

(((back story:::my daddy cared for the cemetery for as long as I can remember, his parents are buried there.. he mowed, weed-eated, cleaned, made beautiful cross grave markers for a few families who couldn’t afford headstones, and any other upkeep that was needed.. we lived less than a mile from there till I was 12-13.. anyway.. as a child I spent a lot of time there with daddy helping with the upkeep. From a very early age I would tell daddy that if he died, I was moving my playhouse to the cemetery to be with him, because I couldn’t leave him alone, I couldn’t be without him..)))

They have buried someone right beside my dad. A stranger. My grandparents are on one side, then my dad, then a stranger. Out of the whole damn cemetery, they chose that one spot! I guess I’ve always thought that was my spot.  Obviously not… I was really, really upset over this yesterday.

In the middle of my meltdown at the cemetery I began to think about just how much I think about death. Why should a 27 year old, married woman be worried about where she will be buried? I mean really. But the truth is, I’ve always thought about it. It’s hard for me to make the choice to have a child because I know I will eventually die and leave them here or Heaven forbid, I will outlive them and I don’t think I could handle that.. ((side note:: I think I need some therapy.)) I mean, why do I think about this stuff?!?! Why can’t I be normal and want a baby with this wonderful man God has blessed me with?   

I’ve talked with few close friends about this over the past year and they have made some good points---if we had children and something happened to me, Clay would be a fabulous, strong father, who would be there for them-- my way of thinking comes from something that happened that isn’t the norm, it isn’t normal for a child to lose a parent at 19…. Children should have parents much longer…. I just feel a little crazy some days.

For anyone who didn’t know my dad or our relationship…. My parents divorced when I was about 11, my mother wanted her freedom, and a different lifestyle than my dad wanted. My dad worked very hard to provide a good life for us. At the time she just wanted to have a good time and do what she wanted to do.. Don’t get me wrong I love my mother and she loves me, but a couple of years were very rough… I can remember crying myself to sleep at night wondering where my mother was, and she would roll in at 3 am, just in time for dad to leave for work…. Needless to say, when they divorced, I lived with my dad, and visited mom on the weekends. Not typical for a little girl, most live with their mother. I felt like she abandoned me. Even though she never really did, it felt like it… My daddy’s life revolved around me---The last day he was on this earth-- I was taking a summer class at NE and had to leave at like 6:45 in the morning to get to Booneville.. He had been so sick and in so much pain (pancreatic cancer).. this overwhelming feeling came over me and I walked into his bedroom, I leaned down and whispered in his ear, “it’s time to let go Daddy, I’m going to be fine, you don’t have to stay here anymore, I’ve got so many people that love me, It’s ok to let go, I love you so much…” forty five minutes later my Uncle Jimmy called and told me I needed to come back home, he was gone… that’s love, a real love I never really appreciated  till he got sick.

I guess I just want people to know why I blog about my daddy or post on Facebook about him… it’s hard to let go of him. OKK>> so now that I’ve provided the world with this “pour-my-heart out> this why I am the way I am> blog” I’m going to clean my house… Happy Wednesday!

**None of my blogs are grammatically correct. I know this. I suppose I could make them correct, but I don’t want to, thank you. Have a nice day!** 

<><also i'd like to add.. i try to live my life day by day, and try to make the most of it.. some days just get the best of me and yesterday was one of them!><><

dAy 1!

Day oNE of Advocare’s 24 Day Challenge…

Beware: Brutally honest. Somewhat gross. But it’s my damn blog. J have a nice day! J

Day one: fiber drink @ 8 am! 8oz of hell! Omgoodness. It was awful! Vaguely reminded me of the stuff I had to drink before they ran that scope up my tail to find out why my stomach was so crazy! Ugh. Vomit! This crap better work!

My hope is this will make me realize I can lose weight. I’ve been this size for a couple of years now. It’s hard to see it going anywhere. 

Lose a pound, lose a pound, gain a pound, lose a pound, gain a pound, lose, gain, lose, gain, gain, lose, well you get the idea. That is not very motivating! Now, losing 10-20 pounds pretty quick is a motivator!!

Read this and think, oh she can do it without it, she will lose and gain it back, blah, blah, blah, walk in my shoes. This is hard for me. I love food and food loves me. You can tell by my big ass. But food is comforting. 

I have done a lot of thinking and realized that I am a comfort eater.. I never really realized it… The first time I remember gaining weight was when my parents divorced. I remember in the seventh grade, going for my physical to play Jr. High basketball, I weighed 177lbs. I was ashamed. I remember an 8^th grader (who shall remain nameless) telling me I was fat and ugly and no one would ever love me. Then in high school, I lost the weight. I attempted to run cross country in 9^th grade.. and I loved it for a while. Until I realized I could live off diet pills and lose weight. Anyway, when I graduated high school, I probably weighed around 130ish.. perfect size for me. =

Then, daddy got sick and passed away. Ever since, I’ve been steadily gaining…. 

I’m tired of it. I’m working to change my way of thinking and my lifestyle. When I succeed maybe I can encourage others to do the same. That’s all J

Day one:

Weight:  192 lbs

Waist:    39”

Hips:     44”

Thigh:   26”

Make jokes if you want. But that makes you one crappy human being.

January---18---2012

January 18, 2012

Today is Wednesday. Wednesday is my day off. Wednesday always gives me plenty of time to think. Sometimes this is good, sometimes this is not so good.

I know I’ve said this over, and over, and over, and over to friends, family, the world through my blog, but I’m ready to be thin… or at least thinner! Since January 1^st I’ve been marking the days on the calendar that I’ve worked out. I’m working towards 15 days a month at the moment. 15 days is half the month. It’s better than not working out at all. I’ve also ordered a new product made by Advocare. It’s Advocare’s 24 day challenge. It incorporates a cleansing phase and a toning phase. I’ve heard lots of people say they have had great success with this product. I just feel like I need a jump start to help me realize that I can do this! I need to see some change in the scales to keep me motivated!

Losing weight back in the day was so easy. In my teens I could think about working out and lose weight. LOL. Not so much these days. Life itself seems like a workout most days. Soo.. I’ve ordered the Advocare. It should come in today or tomorrow. I’m pretty pumped about that!! Also, a couple of friends and I have decided to do the Warrior Dash in April. The Dash is a crazy 3.45 mile race/obstacle course. It’s not so much about winning the race, but about finishing it! I will finish it! I may be on my hands and knees by the end of it but I know I can! I’m really excited about it!

My thought on training for the Dash is working towards running a full mile without stopping in January, Feburary working towards 2 full miles, and March 3 miles, and the race is the end of April, so the first part of April finish off that last .45 of a mile….. I think that is a pretty good plan! Anyway…. When I get my Advocare stuff in I will post before pics/stats! Happy Wednesday!