1-17-13 menu

What I ate yesterday...
Breakfast: Cinnamon oatmeal/apples & blueberries.

Lunch: orange walnut salad, two bites of lemon cookie.

Snack: protein snack bar

Supper: baked chicken w/corn

Not too bad....

@brokenHEARTed@realization 1-17-13

If you want to really know what you look like to other ppl, put on a sports bra & compression shorts and have someone take your picture... eye opening, or maybe i should say eye closing, because the tears that followed filled them closed! :/ You know, I knew I was overweight, I knew i was a little big... but those pictures have made me completely ashamed of myself. Ashamed for letting it get soo bad, and not really realizing it..  Like i said in my last post, I've said it over and over, I've started, stopped, started, stopped.. It's time for a whole life change. I am a mess, I confess.. I LOOK AWFUL. The awful way I look is exactly how I feel about myself.... AND I AM SOOO D-O-N-E!

This means, if you are my friend, do not ask me to go out to eat anywhere that I can not get something relatively healthy, if you see me eating something I shouldn't, call me out on it... If I get mad or my feelings get hurt, SO WHAT! I'm going to need some help! If you see something I could do better or different, tell me.. Don't be shy, and don't tip toe around me...Because, I AM D-O-N-E with this body, I'm ready for a new one. This one no longer fits me.

Anyone want to go for a walk or workout with no one to go with, holler at me! I'm doing this, and I'm doing it the right way if it kills me, and it just might.. So, if you see this chubby girl passed out in the gym or on the sidewalk, as long as I'm still breathing, kick me and tell me to get my ass up!!!!

I would like to post my pics, but I don't think I can.... My plan is to take new pics and measurements in the same clothes in the same place every month on the 16th, to see my progress. Because the mirror and the scales lie!!(UNphotoShopped) pictures do not lie! Pictures show me what the world sees... And i have pics that i took much more clothed, at the gym, but they lie too.. that sports bra and compression shorts do not lie. They tell the whole truth and nothing but the ugly, fat truth... I suppose if anyone has an honest interest in my pics, I will share, I think the accountability would be good, but you will have to ask... Today, I can't publicly share...  :/

P.S.>>>>If anyone is interested in a serious accountability partner, let me know... >>>>>

1-15-13 ramblings...

Wow>>> going back reading my old blogs, they are so flippin' random. Kinda makes me think I'm a little crazy... My blog needs a (fourth) new direction! It's been all over the place, mostly directed at my need to lose weight, which I obviously can not commit to... ugghhhh..... anyway.......... you know, I know we make our lives what we want them to be, and your past is really no excuse for your present or your future, BUT  your past is ingrained in you... your past molded you, and those molds are hard to break...

Thursday's ramblings.... :/

What is wrong with me? 
I want to lose weight. 
I want to feel good about how I look. 
I want to be able to put on anything and not feel like a blob. 
I know how to do it, and it's not that hard.. 
But it is that hard all at the same time. 

I have a wonderful husband that loves me and tells me I'm beautiful everyday, but I don't feel beautiful. I don't "feel" that big, but when I look in the mirror, and when I step on the scale, it's like a slap in the face. I am that big. Four pounds shy of 200 is that big on my 5'5" frame. I've struggled with weight all my life and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of coloring my hair, cutting my hair, getting my nails done, buying things, coming up with new projects, anything to give me a little "happy high" to satisfy me for just a little bit. When really my issue stems from everyday looking in the mirror and hating what I see. 
 
I've started trying to lose it and be healthy over and over again.. I write about it, I post to my facebook about it.. I always say, this is it.. I'm really doing it this time! But, obviously, I have not done it yet. With each attempt it seems I "do good" a little more each time, and that gives me hope. But I'm so tired of starting only to feel like I "fail".  

With each beginning I say this is it, I'm really going to make this work this time. I'm so tired of it all. I wish there was a magic pill. And yea, I know a lot of ppl who have used diet pills and they work for them! BUT I CAN'T! I can't bring myself to take them for several reasons.. 1.I know I will not change anything and when I stop, I will gain it all back. 2.Most of them make my heart racy, and I can't stand it because it can't be good for you! 3. I know a pill didn't make me fat, and a pill is not the solution. But more power to the ones who can take them! 

Why is this such an internal struggle for me!??? UGGGGHHHHHH. When I jump outside my box, and think about it all, it's not that hard, "just freaking do it sara, just make the commitment and stick to it", I tell myself... But when I give in to junk food, I can not help but feel like a slob failure! And when I give in once, I give in again.. Maybe I don't want it bad enough yet.. maybe I just think I want it.. Maybe I'm a spoiled rotten brat, and I want it to just magically happen because I want it to.. 

I work really hard to change my thinking, but I'm a little John Tidwell, you can not imagine how hard it is to change my thinking! OMG. Thanks for the stubborn gene daddy! :) If anyone has any great advice or words of wisdom. I'm open to suggestions. Beacause I'm open to anything. 
Ok, I've rambled enough... happy thursday world!