::::::don't take it 4 granted////////////////

Today, at the gym, all I could think about is back in the day... Back in the day when I was a size 6-8 and thought I was fat! Back in the day when I wanted to drop a few pounds, I quit eating supper or ran a mile or two, and the weight seemed to fall off.. It's slightly sickening how easy it used to be for me to lose weight.. Especially when I think of how hard it is now.... (It's really hard to concentrate with a car alarm going off in the parking lot across from me......)



Annnyyywwwwaaaayyyyyyy........
Just means I have to work harder.
That's ok.
I can do that.
#watchme

I know if said this a lot lately, BUT.... I'M SO READY FOR SUMMER TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

|||||||||||••••in these jeans•••••|||||||||

Feeling pretty dang good about getting into my size 31 IT jeans on Saturday! They buttoned with ease, and that made my entire body smile!! It means that I'm doing something right! All this working out is paying off.. I must admit, after getting into those jeans, I wanted to go workout... I want more, I crave more! I wish it was easier. I wish 20 minutes at few gym would work. I wish I could eat everything that tastes good. But if it were easy, everyone would do it...


Went to Rascal Flatts, the band perry, and Kristen Kelly concert Saturday night. It was awesome.

\\\\\my ass is disgusting//////cellulite sucks\\\\\\

I had a pretty good day! I ate good, work wasn't overly busy, I worked out for an hour & a half... Came home, showered, looked at myself naked before getting dressed. I'm completely disgusted. What did I do to deserve all this cellulite on my thighs and ass? Answer.. I over indulged for too long, I was lazy for too long, I was obviously blind for too long...

Just more motivation. Looking in that mirror made me want to throw up. Then an overwhelming need to workout more. To push harder. To pay extra attention to the food going into my mouth.

I think about all the years I just floated along, I was just hanging out in my own life, not paying attention to what I was doing to myself, not paying attention to the crap food I are over and over.. And I look around me, and see ppl doing the same thing I did for so long.. And I feel for them.. Same ole, same ole isn't enough for this girl anymore.

#watchme

Thinking about being a little more consistent with my blog, writings, and thoughts......I'd thought about changing to a whole new blog, but the more I think about it, I hate to leave this blog, with esp much as I've written already... More consistency with my blog will mean a little more personal info.. hmmmmm.........

>>>>{on the verge}<<<<<

I sit here tonight, on the verge of a 10 lb loss. One that I thought would never come. One that I thought a magic pill or fad diet would bring. A loss that has come by hard work and control.. All those other attempts only consisted of hard work.. And no control over what I was shoving in my mouth. The past two weeks of saying "no I can't have that".. "No that wil make me fattER".. "I need a salad, grilled meat, and/or a vegetable" have really paid off. I'm so glad I found it in me to say NO, even when ppl around me are eating things I'd love to have. I'm so proud of all those no's now! I think in the days to come those no's will get easier.. I hope they do anyway... (Cause its been pretty stinkin' hard to turn down French fries) :/

Anyhow.. I tried a new interval workout Summer told me about tonight.. I think I may feel it in the morning! Maybe tomorrow's weigh-in will bring that 10 lb mark! :))

Sweet dreams friends!

•••••{{{{one close call}}}}•••••

We came terribly close to losing a rather important part of the family this last week.
We just didn't really know how close till yesterday...

First off, let me explain how much this place means to me.. There is something about summer time on the lake that fills an empty place in my soul. The sunshine, the water, being with friends, its just an indescribable feeling.. Anyone that has had it knows what I'm taking about.. But then again, maybe no one really knows but me..

When clay and I first started coming to smith lake, daddy was sick, i knew he was dying, I was 18, I was so confused about everything, my life had been turned completely upside down, I was a complete mess! I do have a lot of regrets from this time period, but those are not up for discussion today.. :/ anyhow, the happiness I experienced at the lake was an amazing feeling, especially at that time.. I didn't have to worry about anything that was wrong in my life, I didn't have to think about life without John Tidwell.. I didn't have to think, period.. Anyone who has experienced a great loss or tragedy knows that any escape from your personal hell is, well, there isn't a word for the feeling, it's simply amazing..

Smith Lake was escape from my hell, a 2 hour drive straight into heaven...

The lake has a rock bottom so the water is super clean! Not muddy & murky like typical lake water... It's just beautiful.

July 4th 2004 clay proposed to me at our old lake place, which was about hundred yards from where we are now.. You can stand at our new place & throw a rock & hit the spot where the old trailer stood..
Smith Lake is just very, very dear to my heart.. I have so many wonderful memories from there.. Yellow Creek to be exact...

Anyway.. Late last Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning, an f1 tornado danced all around our little lake house... The road to the house looked like a bomb exploded.. Even though by the time we got to go check it all out, we knew the house and the houses closest to us, were fine, there was still a terrible sinking feeling driving down the road to the house.. It's a miracle our houses were standing, with no damage... The yard and the boat dock weren't so lucky, but nothing that can't be replaced or repaired.. Thank goodness!

Our little lake house isn't much, but it means the world to me. So grateful it's still there!

(Actually blogged the first wk of feb, but edited march 6th)

•••••••6lb victory••••••••

Writing you from the stationary bike::

I'm feeling pretty good about losing 6lbs.. Six pounds loss that was all me... I did that.. (except for some wonderful eating advice from a friend) it was all me...

This journey to change my thoughts, change my eating habits, change my activity level, to change my LIFE, is slow. Some days are better than others.. Some are easier than others.. But the hard days are getting a little easier.. The easy days are actually enjoyable! This journey started a long time ago.. But I've finally committed to it this time, really I have.. For reals this time... LOL. And I'm loving it.

I'm loving that the scales moved.... I'm hoping they will continue to do so..

Today's workout consisted of::
20 minutes stationary bike
10 minutes stair master
10 minutes arc trainer
15 minutes stationary bike
Various weight machines for legs

I'm very thankful today for every wonderful person in my life, every opportunity I've been given, every blessing I've been granted...... Some things make you realize not everyone has what you have, no matter how little or how much... And we should all be thankful!

Have a great weekend!

1-17-13 menu

What I ate yesterday...
Breakfast: Cinnamon oatmeal/apples & blueberries.

Lunch: orange walnut salad, two bites of lemon cookie.

Snack: protein snack bar

Supper: baked chicken w/corn

Not too bad....

@brokenHEARTed@realization 1-17-13

If you want to really know what you look like to other ppl, put on a sports bra & compression shorts and have someone take your picture... eye opening, or maybe i should say eye closing, because the tears that followed filled them closed! :/ You know, I knew I was overweight, I knew i was a little big... but those pictures have made me completely ashamed of myself. Ashamed for letting it get soo bad, and not really realizing it..  Like i said in my last post, I've said it over and over, I've started, stopped, started, stopped.. It's time for a whole life change. I am a mess, I confess.. I LOOK AWFUL. The awful way I look is exactly how I feel about myself.... AND I AM SOOO D-O-N-E!

This means, if you are my friend, do not ask me to go out to eat anywhere that I can not get something relatively healthy, if you see me eating something I shouldn't, call me out on it... If I get mad or my feelings get hurt, SO WHAT! I'm going to need some help! If you see something I could do better or different, tell me.. Don't be shy, and don't tip toe around me...Because, I AM D-O-N-E with this body, I'm ready for a new one. This one no longer fits me.

Anyone want to go for a walk or workout with no one to go with, holler at me! I'm doing this, and I'm doing it the right way if it kills me, and it just might.. So, if you see this chubby girl passed out in the gym or on the sidewalk, as long as I'm still breathing, kick me and tell me to get my ass up!!!!

I would like to post my pics, but I don't think I can.... My plan is to take new pics and measurements in the same clothes in the same place every month on the 16th, to see my progress. Because the mirror and the scales lie!!(UNphotoShopped) pictures do not lie! Pictures show me what the world sees... And i have pics that i took much more clothed, at the gym, but they lie too.. that sports bra and compression shorts do not lie. They tell the whole truth and nothing but the ugly, fat truth... I suppose if anyone has an honest interest in my pics, I will share, I think the accountability would be good, but you will have to ask... Today, I can't publicly share...  :/

P.S.>>>>If anyone is interested in a serious accountability partner, let me know... >>>>>

1-15-13 ramblings...

Wow>>> going back reading my old blogs, they are so flippin' random. Kinda makes me think I'm a little crazy... My blog needs a (fourth) new direction! It's been all over the place, mostly directed at my need to lose weight, which I obviously can not commit to... ugghhhh..... anyway.......... you know, I know we make our lives what we want them to be, and your past is really no excuse for your present or your future, BUT  your past is ingrained in you... your past molded you, and those molds are hard to break...

Thursday's ramblings.... :/

What is wrong with me? 
I want to lose weight. 
I want to feel good about how I look. 
I want to be able to put on anything and not feel like a blob. 
I know how to do it, and it's not that hard.. 
But it is that hard all at the same time. 

I have a wonderful husband that loves me and tells me I'm beautiful everyday, but I don't feel beautiful. I don't "feel" that big, but when I look in the mirror, and when I step on the scale, it's like a slap in the face. I am that big. Four pounds shy of 200 is that big on my 5'5" frame. I've struggled with weight all my life and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of coloring my hair, cutting my hair, getting my nails done, buying things, coming up with new projects, anything to give me a little "happy high" to satisfy me for just a little bit. When really my issue stems from everyday looking in the mirror and hating what I see. 
 
I've started trying to lose it and be healthy over and over again.. I write about it, I post to my facebook about it.. I always say, this is it.. I'm really doing it this time! But, obviously, I have not done it yet. With each attempt it seems I "do good" a little more each time, and that gives me hope. But I'm so tired of starting only to feel like I "fail".  

With each beginning I say this is it, I'm really going to make this work this time. I'm so tired of it all. I wish there was a magic pill. And yea, I know a lot of ppl who have used diet pills and they work for them! BUT I CAN'T! I can't bring myself to take them for several reasons.. 1.I know I will not change anything and when I stop, I will gain it all back. 2.Most of them make my heart racy, and I can't stand it because it can't be good for you! 3. I know a pill didn't make me fat, and a pill is not the solution. But more power to the ones who can take them! 

Why is this such an internal struggle for me!??? UGGGGHHHHHH. When I jump outside my box, and think about it all, it's not that hard, "just freaking do it sara, just make the commitment and stick to it", I tell myself... But when I give in to junk food, I can not help but feel like a slob failure! And when I give in once, I give in again.. Maybe I don't want it bad enough yet.. maybe I just think I want it.. Maybe I'm a spoiled rotten brat, and I want it to just magically happen because I want it to.. 

I work really hard to change my thinking, but I'm a little John Tidwell, you can not imagine how hard it is to change my thinking! OMG. Thanks for the stubborn gene daddy! :) If anyone has any great advice or words of wisdom. I'm open to suggestions. Beacause I'm open to anything. 
Ok, I've rambled enough... happy thursday world!