1-25-12
Having a glass of orange juice, thinking about yesterday…..
It was a rather traumatic day... I like to ride around a lot, especially on beautiful, sunny days. Yesterday I decided to ride out to the cemetery where daddy is buried. No particular reason, just haven’t been out there lately. I have a small concrete bench beside his grave where I go to sit, think, pray, talk to dad or chat with whatever stray dog wanders up…. Before yesterday I had not been out there in a while!… I kind of wish I hadn’t gone. He’s buried in the Holcomb Family Cemetery in the Furrs community, a very small cemetery, mostly people from the Holcomb family of course, but they allow other people from the community to be laid to rest there also.
(((back story:::my daddy cared for the cemetery for as long as I can remember, his parents are buried there.. he mowed, weed-eated, cleaned, made beautiful cross grave markers for a few families who couldn’t afford headstones, and any other upkeep that was needed.. we lived less than a mile from there till I was 12-13.. anyway.. as a child I spent a lot of time there with daddy helping with the upkeep. From a very early age I would tell daddy that if he died, I was moving my playhouse to the cemetery to be with him, because I couldn’t leave him alone, I couldn’t be without him..)))
They have buried someone right beside my dad. A stranger. My grandparents are on one side, then my dad, then a stranger. Out of the whole damn cemetery, they chose that one spot! I guess I’ve always thought that was my spot. Obviously not… I was really, really upset over this yesterday.
In the middle of my meltdown at the cemetery I began to think about just how much I think about death. Why should a 27 year old, married woman be worried about where she will be buried? I mean really. But the truth is, I’ve always thought about it. It’s hard for me to make the choice to have a child because I know I will eventually die and leave them here or Heaven forbid, I will outlive them and I don’t think I could handle that.. ((side note:: I think I need some therapy.)) I mean, why do I think about this stuff?!?! Why can’t I be normal and want a baby with this wonderful man God has blessed me with?
I’ve talked with few close friends about this over the past year and they have made some good points---if we had children and something happened to me, Clay would be a fabulous, strong father, who would be there for them-- my way of thinking comes from something that happened that isn’t the norm, it isn’t normal for a child to lose a parent at 19…. Children should have parents much longer…. I just feel a little crazy some days.
For anyone who didn’t know my dad or our relationship…. My parents divorced when I was about 11, my mother wanted her freedom, and a different lifestyle than my dad wanted. My dad worked very hard to provide a good life for us. At the time she just wanted to have a good time and do what she wanted to do.. Don’t get me wrong I love my mother and she loves me, but a couple of years were very rough… I can remember crying myself to sleep at night wondering where my mother was, and she would roll in at 3 am, just in time for dad to leave for work…. Needless to say, when they divorced, I lived with my dad, and visited mom on the weekends. Not typical for a little girl, most live with their mother. I felt like she abandoned me. Even though she never really did, it felt like it… My daddy’s life revolved around me---The last day he was on this earth-- I was taking a summer class at NE and had to leave at like 6:45 in the morning to get to Booneville.. He had been so sick and in so much pain (pancreatic cancer).. this overwhelming feeling came over me and I walked into his bedroom, I leaned down and whispered in his ear, “it’s time to let go Daddy, I’m going to be fine, you don’t have to stay here anymore, I’ve got so many people that love me, It’s ok to let go, I love you so much…” forty five minutes later my Uncle Jimmy called and told me I needed to come back home, he was gone… that’s love, a real love I never really appreciated till he got sick.
I guess I just want people to know why I blog about my daddy or post on Facebook about him… it’s hard to let go of him. OKK>> so now that I’ve provided the world with this “pour-my-heart out> this why I am the way I am> blog” I’m going to clean my house… Happy Wednesday!
**None of my blogs are grammatically correct. I know this. I suppose I could make them correct, but I don’t want to, thank you. Have a nice day!**
<><also i'd like to add.. i try to live my life day by day, and try to make the most of it.. some days just get the best of me and yesterday was one of them!><><
