Thursday's ramblings.... :/

What is wrong with me? 
I want to lose weight. 
I want to feel good about how I look. 
I want to be able to put on anything and not feel like a blob. 
I know how to do it, and it's not that hard.. 
But it is that hard all at the same time. 

I have a wonderful husband that loves me and tells me I'm beautiful everyday, but I don't feel beautiful. I don't "feel" that big, but when I look in the mirror, and when I step on the scale, it's like a slap in the face. I am that big. Four pounds shy of 200 is that big on my 5'5" frame. I've struggled with weight all my life and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of coloring my hair, cutting my hair, getting my nails done, buying things, coming up with new projects, anything to give me a little "happy high" to satisfy me for just a little bit. When really my issue stems from everyday looking in the mirror and hating what I see. 
 
I've started trying to lose it and be healthy over and over again.. I write about it, I post to my facebook about it.. I always say, this is it.. I'm really doing it this time! But, obviously, I have not done it yet. With each attempt it seems I "do good" a little more each time, and that gives me hope. But I'm so tired of starting only to feel like I "fail".  

With each beginning I say this is it, I'm really going to make this work this time. I'm so tired of it all. I wish there was a magic pill. And yea, I know a lot of ppl who have used diet pills and they work for them! BUT I CAN'T! I can't bring myself to take them for several reasons.. 1.I know I will not change anything and when I stop, I will gain it all back. 2.Most of them make my heart racy, and I can't stand it because it can't be good for you! 3. I know a pill didn't make me fat, and a pill is not the solution. But more power to the ones who can take them! 

Why is this such an internal struggle for me!??? UGGGGHHHHHH. When I jump outside my box, and think about it all, it's not that hard, "just freaking do it sara, just make the commitment and stick to it", I tell myself... But when I give in to junk food, I can not help but feel like a slob failure! And when I give in once, I give in again.. Maybe I don't want it bad enough yet.. maybe I just think I want it.. Maybe I'm a spoiled rotten brat, and I want it to just magically happen because I want it to.. 

I work really hard to change my thinking, but I'm a little John Tidwell, you can not imagine how hard it is to change my thinking! OMG. Thanks for the stubborn gene daddy! :) If anyone has any great advice or words of wisdom. I'm open to suggestions. Beacause I'm open to anything. 
Ok, I've rambled enough... happy thursday world!